Are my testicles black?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
swagie in the public park needs to do a quick number 2 and cant find a toilet, so he jumps into a garden bed and drops his dacks. Just as he is finished, a bobby comes along on his beat and says ello ello wotavewegoterethen What have we got here then?. swaggie jumps up quick and puts his hat quickly over the turd and replies, i have just caught the fastest thing on earth and i need to go down to the zoo to get the curator to come and catch it. Bobby says why dont we just grab it we will be famous. too fast says swaggie got to go! you hold the hat over it till i get back. Bobby is waiting so long that another bobby comes along and says watcha doing? he goes over the story and second bobby decides to stay to check out ths creature After an hour the first bobby says look, im sick of waiting, tell you what, on the count of three i will lift up the hat and you dive in and grab it ok? sounds good.... 123 DID YOU GET IT, DID YOU GET IT, No but i sure scared the shit out of it.
A man of 50 something at long last gets to buy the V8 of his dreams. Cruising along one day, he sees a cruiser pull out after him with lights flashing.
In a moment of pure adrenalin he floors it - Just because he can. 60, 70 ,80...
After about 30 seconds, the brain kicks in & he thinks - what the hell am I doing? This is madness! He pulls over.
Police: It's nearly knocking off time. You had better have a good explanation for that burst of speed.
Driver: Sir, I have just bought this car as a gift for myself after my wife left me for a cop.
Driver: I thought you were bringing her back.
Driver calls BMW with complaint.
Methuselah was the oldest man that ever lived (969 years)but died before his father...how...
Methuselah's father was Enoch. Enoch never experienced a "natural death." He was taken to Heaven because "he walked with God." Enoch wont experience a natural death until Christ comes again. He will preach to the Gentiles as Elijah will preach to the Jews.
Enoch's father is Seth, son of Noah, I believe who is also Melchizidek the first great high priest in the line of Jesus. I think that is correct.
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because
he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!
Irish cop says, "License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Irish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
London Lawyer asks, "What's the difference?"
Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. Now your license and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.
Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his wooden baton and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says,"Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down?"
On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!'
The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat.
Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!'
Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.
The teacher suggested they try some biology questions... 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher.
'Legs!' Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher.
'Pockets!' said Larry.
The teacher looked at the principal, who said, 'Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!'
Little Billy is drawing a picture in class when the teacher walks up and asks him what he is drawing.
Billy: "I am drawing a picture of God"
Teacher: "Oh Billy no one really knows what God even looks like."
Billy: "Well they will in just a couple more minutes."
Zero and Michelle Obama are at a baseball game when a secret service agent walks up and whispers something into Zero's ear. Just then Zero picks up his wife and flings her right over the fence and onto the field where she lands face down in the dirt. (This is where the joke loses me because there is now way on earth he can pick her up, let alone throw her, but anyway...)
The secret service agent turns back to Zero and says "No, no I said you need to throw the first PITCH out on the field."
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an ‘exotic’ pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs The sign says: SEX FROGS. Only $20 each. Comes with complete instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, ‘I’ll TAKE one!’ As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, ‘Just follow the instructions!’
The blonde nods, grabs the box , and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie..
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and NOTHING happens! The blonde is disappointed and upset. She re-reads the instructions. At the bottom, it says, ‘If you have any problems or questions , please call the pet store.’
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, ‘I’ll be right over.’ Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, ‘See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions. The frog just SITS there!’
The man , looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says:
LISTEN TO ME. I’m only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME!!!’
All he needs is a big yellow hat & the LT's