Heartbroken

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#1 Sat, May 31, 2014 - 4:46am
Anonymous

Heartbroken

Sorry this doesn't really belong on this site. But this community has shared their wisdom and given me encouragement in the past. I'm just shattered by events this week. Some may recall that I lost both my parents at a very young age. It was me and my younger brother. Anyway, I went to a graduation for PHD.s because one of my clients sons was graduating. It left me sad and puzzled. One because I'll never have that experience and I couldnt help but wonder how these folks lived and went to school. These people 85 percent of foreign background were all in some type of science or math. I heard them all asking if who had found a job and not too many had. I can quite comprehend how they lived in their own places and their immediate concern was getting rid of their furnishings. So I returned home feeling quite inferior only to find one of my pensioned horses had ran into a fence and was fatally injured. Later that evening, I get the worst sore throat, earache and headache ive had since I was a little kid..... But the killer was finding out my younger brother is moving out. He 20, certainly old enough. He hates horses and I think me too the past few years. Yet, he was my wingman. I got a whole 3 day notice. Today we had a brief conversation and now he's not speaking to me. If I havent had to go to a Drs appointment and ask him to keep an eye on things. I wouldn't even know. His defense was " he knew I'd react like this". Basically he was gonna go in the middle of the night or something like that. Yeah, I shoulda shut my big mouth and just lied but I didn't. If you don't want the truth from me then don't ask me. I'm hurt and I irrationally want to hurt him back. But imma try to shut my mouth. He wont even tell me where he is gonna live. My mind and heart are waging war. I'm kinda feeling hatred toward him too. I fought tooth and nail for custody of him when I was only 19. I reckon I'll get over it. I've gotten over worse. One thing for sure is I'll never have kids. I wish I didn't care but I do. Sorry for the rant on here. I just don't do social media. I'll probably be very sorry for writing this on this venue. But I can't reflect right now cuz I gotta hit the barn and track... I'm already late.

Edited by: Anonymous on Nov 8, 2014 - 5:26am
Sat, May 31, 2014 - 6:12pm
NW VIEW
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@ Ruffian!

Well that is quite a post. Most of us have had to work our way through college and some like myself even through high school. The foreign students come to America to obtain a better education than they may have received in their own countries. Many of the women would not even be allowed to obtain a higher education and they will work till they drop for the old sheep skin. One should be thankful that we may attend college today in America and there are finances available for those who seek help. The foreign students are here to graduate and they are very directed and studious. Try visiting some state colleges like The Evergreen State College in Olympia or Eastern Washington State College and see what the action is among American students.

Your world seems to be very fragile. Things seem to push your buttons and there are many buttons. Upon what foundation has your life been built? It sounds like your brother is seeking freedom. It may be good for you to never say "never". Seek out some older couple friends who have a track record of a stable life and listen to them. Learn the lesson of the book of James 3: 1-12. jmo

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=james+3:1-12

NW VIEW >>>1 Cor. 1:18
Sat, May 31, 2014 - 8:45pm
JustDale
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Dear Ruffian...

Although I have no balm to apply to your wound, or any splint to stabilize the broken bone, my heart aches on your behalf, and a tear drops upon the note you have written. It is not an easy thing to be so forthright when one's world is being shaken, or to share so openly when one's humanity and weakness are being assaulted and terrorized on all sides. I find it both kind and courageous that you have chosen to air your grief, and to air it here...with us.

I have personally found it a truism that the cruelest wounds we receive, we receive in 'the house of our friends'. Such a wound cuts deep, is slow to heal, and often leaves a jagged, remindful scar. May you find the strength to persevere through this ordeal...May you find the grace to forgive...May you find this tribulation, in due time, a help to faith and a boon to your spirit.

Until then, with your permission, may I simply sit beside you and weep?

Until then, may I mention your name in my prayers?

Until then, may I consider your suffering my own?

TT

P.S...A separate expression of condolence and sorrow is yours, on behalf of the injured horse. I know you love your milieu, your work, and your 'charges'. 

Sat, May 31, 2014 - 9:11pm
Maryann
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Ruffian...

I am so sorry you have had such a difficult week...and it often seems when it rains it just pours!

I am struck by what you said about getting custody of your brother. What love and sacrifice you have for him, and he has benefited from your efforts, I'm sure. I would only point out that a parent's job is well done when a child leaves the nest, and so as painful as it is I think it is a sign of your success that he is ready to move on with adulthood. My kiddo will be moving on soon as well, so I am really preaching to myself here but I so sympathize with you! And sometimes when we really love someone we get mad at them, to make separating a little easier, so that may be what's going on with him.

As NW View and TT have mentioned, I too would be honored to pray for you and ask God to give you comfort, healing, and peace.

Sun, Jun 1, 2014 - 3:05pm (Reply to #2)
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Sun, Jun 8, 2014 - 5:51am
flyinkel
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Ruffian

I am sorry for the loss of your beloved horse, it clearly meant a lot to you and held great sentimental value.

Please remember the brain isn't fully formed until 25 yrs old. The 18 to 25 year old is famous for rush to judgement, spur of the moment, willing to take any chance mentality. This isn't made up tripe, this is science and brain imaging and scanning and all sorts of new medical/scientific discoveries. Logic, wisdom, nurturing are some of the very last brain centers to mature. 

The parent child relationship is one of selfless dedication and the child is very selfish for long time. Despite the fact you are his brother, you have served the father and mother role for your brother for a very long time. Parenting can be thankless, and the child knows not the sacrifices the parent has made to give the child the best opportunity the parent can muster. Is must feel terrible when one has put out so much and a child seems ungrateful. He will be, just not now; perhaps when he is older, maybe when he has children of his own.

Please consider the following;

Hitting a punching bag as many times as you can, running across fields until you just can't even breathe any more, digging a ditch with a shovel, anything that takes lots of physical exertion to get the anger out but won't hurt you (no driving fast, no riding a horse as hard as you can).

After you have dulled the raging anger inside sit in solitude and think, really think. Why were you so angry? Is it because you really love him so much? Isn't that why the anger feels so raw, so betrayed?

You have some choices to make going forward, realize you are a man not a man-in-the-making. Holding anger hurts you, the ability to overcome with dignity and grace is real love. Spending years angry, once you finally come to terms with it, results in thoughts of "We wasted so many years, why did we do this to each other?"

Give your love unconditionally, love your brother, keep showing him what it is like to be a real man. That doesn't mean give him money. That doesn't mean allowing yourself to be walked all over. It just means to be there when he eventually needs it, he will, he needs and wants his family, he just doesn't realize it yet. 

Life isn't easy, but it sure as hell builds character. Good luck, be well.

flyinkel
Sun, Jun 8, 2014 - 11:36am
Quisp
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Ruffian

Your brother is young and will figure it out. He just needs some time and a brother who's willing to forgive when the time comes. From my perspective, you're a lucky man. You're brother still draws breath and you can look forward to many years together. On the day you made this thread, I lost a brother to suicide. I don't understand it. I just don't. You two will be just fine. Give him a little time. God bless both of you.

Tue, Jun 10, 2014 - 11:30pm (Reply to #12)
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Fri, Jun 27, 2014 - 3:10pm
benny_bomb_boom
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progress

is another word open to interpretation. ruff, you sound like a smart lady. my only advice would be to never say never.

my sister was killed when she was 21 and after that, as her older brother, i too swore to never have children. then i met my future wife. not having children would have been a deal breaker for her. the dream of her life was to be a mother. so, she being the love of my life, i changed my position. you may find someone who shares your passion for not having children, i actually hope you do. but there is a new happiness now that my son arrived that i cannot hope to express appropriately here.

last thing on young men with life by the balls as your brother does just out of college. they need time to figure it out. some take longer than others, and some never do get a grip, but time along with space is the only way that has a chance IMHO.

peace and keep up the good work.

no better time than now
Fri, Jun 27, 2014 - 10:10pm (Reply to #12)
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