A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies "For you? No charge!"
Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." He doesn't react.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
"You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"
Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks if he wants a drink. "I think not," Descartes says. And then he disappears.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies "No I'm traveling light
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a real smooth dude." Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."