Letters From the Racially Tolerant American Future and Present
April 26, 2034, C.E.
Dear Comrade 153691:
It has come to our attention - through your loyal neighbor Comrade 156901 - that you have violated several statutes of the 2023 Tolerance and Equality Act to End All Racial Bias, Discrimination, and Disadvantage.
According to Comrade 156901, you have disobeyed the law in the following manner:
1) Last December, you displayed a Christian Nativity scene in your home that was visible in the window. According to the Religious Tolerance and Unification Act of 2025, no Christian items may be displayed as they represent white supremacy, imperialism, and intolerance to other religions. You must only display approved devotional items that have been screened to ensure that they are 100% inclusive of all races, sexual orientations, genders, and mental health statuses.
2) You have been overheard questioning the 2024 Racial Equality and Poverty Elimination Wealth Redistribution Act and have expressed a desire for private property rights to your friend Comrade 105196 during an illegal backyard "barbecue" using banned meat products. As you should be well aware, not only are barbecues perpetrating an evil against innocent animals, but they perpetrate dangerous racial stereotypes.
3) Finally, you have been apparently growing food in your garden beyond the approved parameters using non-standardized and dangerous wild seeds. The idea that a citizen should create and keep more without sharing with his or her neighbors through approved channels is a racist, white supremacist idea that as you know, we cannot tolerate in a compassionate, racially free society.
Such violations are an affront to the enlightened society of equals we have created. You are also therefore required to report to the Central Authority of Racial Harmony and Equality on Friday morning at 9 am. Once there, you will be required to go through rigorous mind screening to determine your Racial Bias Quotient. Should you be found deficient in your Luther-King-Obama Score of Mental Tolerance, you will be assigned to months of mental reprogramming and therapy to correct your deficiencies and make you a productive, tolerant member of society.
Please note that if you are reassigned for surgery, your home will be reassigned to another family and your possessions given back to the state so they can be properly distributed.
Any resistance on your part can and will be met with deadly force.
Yours In Racial Equality,
Government Official 159162
April 26, 2014
Letter to the Editor
I can't wait until the day when America is finally free of racial bias! For this reason, we should be quite clear that the most important issue of today is the 100% proven, unassailable fact that Cliven Bundy is a racist, and a domestic terrorist, and by association, so is anyone who supports him.
Never mind the so-called black men who have stepped up to defend him. In fact, you can add these men to your list of betrayers of the black race:
And here's what Rev. Manning had to say. He may be black, but he's a homophobe, and he's clearly an "Uncle Tom":
We also need to shun and decry the black woman who claimed that she did not think Bundy being a racist was the issue. Can you honestly believe that she is more concerned about a government "SWAT" team collecting money from citizens? She is clearly one of those nutty "black helicopter" conspiracy theorists.
Folks, if you have bought into the bald-faced lies of the quack "tin foil hat" community on the Internet about local control, government overreach, and a so-called "police state," you are probably nothing more than a racist yourself!
And just take a look at these crazy militia people who are surrounding Bundy's ranch. Clearly, they are motivated by pure racism and hatred of black people - and the few black people who are members are obviously suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.
Militias are for whackjobs - clearly home-grown militias were not what the Founding Fathers intended when they came up with the Second Amendment. Guns were only supposed to be used for self-defense - not mass uprisings of backwards, racially intolerant militants who are only motivated by pure, inmigated hatred for Obama due to his skin color! These people are anti-government extremists. They must be stopped!
I am here to tell you now that we are a country finally achieving progress - why, the California legislature has been busy at work passing a bill requiring schools to provide history lessons on the racial importance of Obama's election. This is all about showing our children how much progress we have made. But we still have a lot more progress yet to go.
As long as there are Cliven Bundy's in America, however, we cannot achieve progress. Sure, Oprah said people like this would die out soon, but it's not soon enough. These insane, pro-violence, gun-toting militia members need to be picked off one by one and shot. Perhaps we can send drones in to get rid of them. Let's use this technology for what it's meant to be used for! Racists should not have any rights!
These so-called "freedom fighters" are stealing our public land by claiming the federal government doesn't have a right to it. They claim that the endangered tortoise is just a ruse, because the BLM has euthanized tortoises! Do they really think that we can put sick tortoises back out in the wild?
They have no right to this land. As you know, public land really isn't meant to be used by the public - it needs to be protected from it. And what's all this hoo-ha about a Chinese solar power station? Well, that's a lame argument - the deal did not go through, but what's the problem? Renewable energy is a good thing, and if the Communist Chinese are ahead of the game on us with solar power, then maybe we need to step up and fall in line. We need clean, green energy!
Let us support the BLM in routing out these clearly racist domestic terrorists in our midst. They are standing in the way of a better America. I fully support the BLM using whatever force is necessary in order to achieve this.
As for those of you who are concerned we are losing our rights or complaining that the federal government is trying to steal land - you have no rights to that land! This land was stolen from the natives and built on the backs of their blood.
As for that ridiculous couple who is complaining that their cabin in the woods is being taken by the government - they must just be a bunch of nutjob preppers who somehow think they can run away from society, stop paying taxes and then burden our governments with the tasks of building and maintaining roads for them. They are the leeches on society! Not people on welfare, who are the victims of historical racism and white privilege.
So get with the program, guys - realize that we are all in this together and none of you get special rights to land or anything else.
Fed Up American
Disclaimer: The above two letters were shared in the spirit of satire. I am not responsible for any lack of understanding in regards to the point and purpose of satirical commentary. Please read and comment at your own risk.