Heartbroken

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Ruffian
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Heartbroken

Sorry this doesn't really belong on this site. But this community has shared their wisdom and given me encouragement in the past.

I'm just shattered by events this week. Some may recall that I lost both my parents at a very young age. It was me and my younger brother.

Anyway, I went to a graduation for PHD.s because one of my clients sons was graduating. It left me sad and puzzled. One because I'll never have that experience and I couldnt help but wonder how these folks lived and went to school. These people 85 percent of foreign background were all in some type of science or math. I heard them all asking if who had found a job and not too many had.

I can quite comprehend how they lived in their own places and their immediate concern was getting rid of their furnishings.

So I returned home feeling quite inferior only to find one of my pensioned horses had ran into a fence and was fatally injured. Later that evening, I get the worst sore throat, earache and headache ive had since I was a little kid.....

But the killer was finding out my younger brother is moving out. He 20, certainly old enough. He hates horses and I think me too the past few years. Yet, he was my wingman. I got a whole 3 day notice. Today we had a brief conversation and now he's not speaking to me. If I havent had to go to a Drs appointment and ask him to keep an eye on things. I wouldn't even know. His defense was " he knew I'd react like this". Basically he was gonna go in the middle of the night or something like that.

Yeah, I shoulda shut my big mouth and just lied but I didn't. If you don't want the truth from me then don't ask me. I'm hurt and I irrationally want to hurt him back. But imma try to shut my mouth. He wont even tell me where he is gonna live. My mind and heart are waging war. I'm kinda feeling hatred toward him too. I fought tooth and nail for custody of him when I was only 19.

I reckon I'll get over it. I've gotten over worse. One thing for sure is I'll never have kids. I wish I didn't care but I do.

Sorry for the rant on here. I just don't do social media. I'll probably be very sorry for writing this on this venue. But I can't reflect right now cuz I gotta hit the barn and track... I'm already late.

Edited by admin on 11/08/2014 - 06:26
NW VIEW
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@ Ruffian!

Well that is quite a post.  Most of us have had to work our way through college and some like myself even through high school.  The foreign students come to America to obtain a better education than they may have received in their own countries.  Many of the women would not even be allowed to obtain a higher education and they will work till they drop for the old sheep skin.  One should be thankful that we may attend college today in America and there are finances available for those who seek help.  The foreign students are here to graduate and they are very directed and studious.  Try visiting some state colleges like The Evergreen State College in Olympia or Eastern Washington State College and see what the action is among American students.

Your world seems to be very fragile.  Things seem to push your buttons and there are many buttons.    Upon what foundation has your life been built?  It sounds  like your brother is seeking freedom.  It may be good for you to never say "never".  Seek out some older couple friends who have a track record of a stable life and listen to them.  Learn the lesson of the book of James 3: 1-12.   jmo

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=james+3:1-12

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Dear Ruffian...

    Although I have no balm to apply to your wound, or any splint to stabilize the broken bone, my heart aches on your behalf, and a tear drops upon the note you have written.  It is not an easy thing to be so forthright when one's world is being shaken, or to share so openly when one's humanity and weakness are being assaulted and terrorized on all sides.  I find it both kind and courageous that you have chosen to air your grief, and to air it here...with us.

     I have personally found it a truism that the cruelest wounds we receive, we receive in 'the house of our friends'.  Such a wound cuts deep, is slow to heal, and often leaves a jagged, remindful scar.  May you find the strength to persevere through this ordeal...May you find the grace to forgive...May you find this tribulation, in due time, a help to faith and a boon to your spirit. 

     Until then, with your permission, may I simply sit beside you and weep?

     Until then, may I mention your name in my prayers?

     Until then, may I consider your suffering my own?

TT

P.S...A separate expression of condolence and sorrow is yours, on behalf of the injured horse.  I know you love your milieu, your work, and your 'charges'. 

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Ruffian...

I am so sorry you have had such a difficult week...and it often seems when it rains it just pours!

I am struck by what you said about getting custody of your brother.  What love and sacrifice you have for him, and he has benefited from your efforts, I'm sure.  I would only point out that a parent's job is well done when a child leaves the nest, and so as painful as it is I think it is a sign of your success that he is ready to move on with adulthood.  My kiddo will be moving on soon as well, so I am really preaching to myself here but I so sympathize with you!  And sometimes when we really love someone we get mad at them, to make separating a little easier, so that may be what's going on with him.

As NW View and TT have mentioned, I too would be honored to pray for you and ask God to give you comfort, healing, and peace.

Ruffian
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You may have misunderstood

You may have misunderstood what I was saying. These were not poor foreign students. Poor foreign students don't have parents that can fly in from overseas and stay weeks in a foreign country.

I was astounded that they all had off campus housing and Many families? How does one do that without a job? How does one afford 40k or upward tuition plus living expenses? Sure some supplement with meager wages by doing research etc from the university. But I assure you most were sucking off the nipple of the American taxpayer.

I also do NOT buy into the concept American children are lazy. Foreign student might be more motivated by family pressure that can be deadly. Generally, most Americans don't kick kids out for getting b's and not a's. Most of these foreign students will not return to their native countries to improve them.

I don't think it is any coincidence that so many business are foreign owned. Where do those improvised folks get the start up to buy those franchises. A quick check of immigrant forums will clearly show how the American government provides the funds that Americans are NOT eligible for. They share that info with each other. It is Americans that are at disadvantage.

Quite frankly, to me, sitting in a warm room seems rather a luxory compared to whati do. My body doesn't usually thaw out until mid April.

I spend most my time with older folks, as much as I can. I have learned more from them than I would have in my own in a forth of the time. I had the great fortune to be mentored by a legend in my business. I spent years listening to him while he died slowly from kidney failue.

I admit I was an incorrigible child that man hated me. He caught me on a trip home taking baling twine to very famous stallion and trying to ride him. Hey he looked like.a jumper to me. Only problem was he had already killed two men. They caught with a noose on pole after that. He caught me by the neck and shoulder and I told him if he got his nasty hands off me, I coulda rode him.

College is and never will be in my future. Im learning disabled, at least book learning. I just kinda wondered what it felt like to NOT have work and worry. To have a choice is all.

Oh and yes I am hot headed. Someone very wise told me to never let them know what your thinking.

Ruffian
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Thank You for your time,

Thank You for your time, thoughts, concern and wisdom.

What I hate most is that with the passage of time. I am forgetting a lot of stuff my dad tried to teach me. I do recall him emphasizing to never worry about strangers. It's family where the knife comes from. I think he meant we let our defense down and let emotion cloud our judgement with family. Whereas we are more objective and cautious with strangers. I dunno for sure but I think it's something like that.

Please no tears. Everyone has crosses to bear and mine are no heavier than others . I just seem to fall in the self pity rut tome to time.

Much gratitude,
ruffian

Ps short story on ED (horse) he was the first horse my dad gave to me. He was 2 and so rank my dad had his bits cut off. Now I wanted to enter girly horse shows. All the kids my age had Arabians and were darn well off. One girl had the most beautiful white Arabian with a dark grey muzzle she was entering a costume show as a priness on a unicorn.

Of course I asked my dad and his reply was we don't buy horses to win .15 plastic ribbons. So I'm stuck with giant ED. Huge legs and not filled out and bred to run. Well mom RIP never to be outdone got to work. She found the most beautiful elegant blanket to hide ED's juvenile body. Then she cut flowers and made a necklace for him. And my poor mom who knows how she found the courage to buy me a knee length wig and the palest pink almost nude body suit. She plopped flowers on my head and sent me in as Lady Godiva. Dad rigged up a clear plastic headpiece and reins. Well I won.

ED never won a race in his life but he was second 20 times and that pays pretty dam well too. The least I could do for ED was to stop his suffering as quickly as possible. RIP dear old friend.

Ruffian
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Yep it sure does pour

Yep it sure does pour sometimes.

I'm not mad at my brother. It's just moving out should be a happy time that we coulda, shoulda shared. For whatever reason he chose not to share it with me.

So I have no choice to accept it. I had no expectations. I never do.

Who knows what the future brings. He may stay away forever. It's his choice. I am angry and I'll not pretend otherwise. There is no choice to accept that this chapter in y life is over. But there is no rule that says I have to like it.

Thanks to yo as well for thoughts and concern.

Ruffian

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Nw order

I didn't quite know what to make of the second part of your post.

My life would read like a cheap Hollywood cliche. I had great parents who did their best in the time they had to teach me right from wrong and I don't mean good from bad. My father a man of few words led by example. He practiced what he preached. I was never assigned chores. It was my decision to figure out what needed to be done. Example was, do you let mom clean up after dinner or do you pitch in without being told. No one had to tell me to help. I just did.

I idolized my dad. I try to honor him. Finally, I am just beginning to understand what that silly old man meant when he warned me "the road to he'll is paved with good intentions". Everyone has been told this at some time but I'm kinda really getting it now.

I don't just pay the people who work for me. I give them a percentage of earnings. I also told them when the market dropped out in the biz 2008-2010 that we had excellent opportunity to purchase dispersal stock at fire sale prices. I let them vote on whether to suspend their bonus to upgrade our bloodstock. I kept records on what they lost out on and repaid it as soon as that investment turned a dime. No contracts, just my word. This paid off handsomely for me and them.....this time.

I don't see or think like others. The best way I can describe it is like going into an electronics department and every tv is turned on and up to different stations.

Oh and I'm not good tho. I do these things because they benefit me in the long run. I'm hard to work for. I demand things done my way and if they aren't. You better have a damn good reason. I don't share my worries with any of them. It manifests in a very nasty person at times. All i say is I worry enough for all of us.

I love speed. Fast horse and cars are my passion. I really wanted to buy one of the new muscle cars. I looked at many. My brother figured wrongly he was getting one for graduation. I told him giving him one would be like giving a 8th old a .45 to play with. Ok he hates me now. Ok better he lives with hate than me watching him pushing up daisies. SPEED KILLS.. Horses and humans.

The hardest thing I ever have to do is say NO. I practice in the mirror all the time. It's still hard.

I shot my beloved horse in the head with a 9mm Luger. I knew it might take a vet hours to get the message and get out here. Then I went ballistic on my crew and brother because they were attaching chains to his lifeless legs to drag him for burial. I did that cuz I know the weight would pull the legs right off. The same way a chicken leg rips off. Chain the freaking tail, i yelled. Ok they hate me. Better they hate me than see that leg coming off. I know it looks like their way is better but it's
not.

My last conversation or one of them, i had with my dad. He asked me if I knew what to do. I should my head yes and said whatever needs doing. And that is precisely what I am trying to do.

I grieve greatly. He taught me everything I know, but never got the chance to teach me everything he knew. So I go forward and stumble doing the best I know how. I think of a voice that I have forgotten what it sounds like telling me the only way to get out of a hole is to quit digging. I'm still working on what that means.

Ruffian
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Update

Well he's gone.

He chose my busiest day. I handed him a hand written letter. I think he thought it was money. That's what I normally would do. Not this time. I found the empty envelope but he never said one word.

Oh well, I reckon I'll live. His life, his choice.

People always say I forgive you but I'll never forget.

Well folks it's the exact opposite with me. God forgives, I don't. But I do forget .....which is why it's always a good idea not remind me when and whyni pissed off to begin with.

Ruffian
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Update

Well he's gone.

He chose my busiest day. I handed him a hand written letter. I think he thought it was money. That's what I normally would do. Not this time. I found the empty envelope but he never said one word.

Oh well, I reckon I'll live. His life, his choice.

People always say I forgive you but I'll never forget.

Well folks it's the exact opposite with me. God forgives, I don't. But I do forget .....which is why it's always a good idea not remind me when and whyni pissed off to begin with.

flyinkel
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Ruffian

I am sorry for the loss of your beloved horse, it clearly meant a lot to you and held great sentimental value.

Please remember the brain isn't fully formed until 25 yrs old.  The 18 to 25 year old is famous for rush to judgement, spur of the moment, willing to take any chance mentality.  This isn't made up tripe, this is science and brain imaging and scanning and all sorts of new medical/scientific discoveries.  Logic, wisdom, nurturing are some of the very last brain centers to mature. 

The parent child relationship is one of selfless dedication and the child is very selfish for long time.  Despite the fact you are his brother, you have served the father and mother role for your brother for a very long time.  Parenting can be thankless, and the child knows not the sacrifices the parent has made to give the child the best opportunity the parent can muster.  Is must feel terrible when one has put out so much  and a child seems ungrateful.  He will be, just not now; perhaps when he is older, maybe when he has children of his own.

Please consider the following;

Hitting a punching bag as many times as you can, running across fields until you just can't even breathe any more, digging a ditch with a shovel, anything that takes lots of physical exertion to get the anger out but won't hurt you (no driving fast, no riding a horse as hard as you can).

After you have dulled the raging anger inside sit in solitude and think, really think.  Why were you so angry?  Is it because you really love him so much?  Isn't that why the anger feels so raw, so betrayed?

You have some choices to make going forward, realize you are a man not a man-in-the-making.  Holding anger hurts you, the ability to overcome with dignity and grace is real love.  Spending years angry, once you finally come to terms with it, results in thoughts of "We wasted so many years, why did we do this to each other?"   

Give your love unconditionally, love your brother, keep showing him what it is like to be a real man.  That doesn't mean give him money.  That doesn't mean allowing yourself to be walked all over.  It just means to be there when he eventually needs it, he will, he needs and wants his family, he just doesn't realize it yet. 

Life isn't easy, but it sure as hell builds character.  Good luck, be well.

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Ruffian

Your brother is young and will figure it out. He just needs some time and a brother who's willing to forgive when the time comes. From my perspective, you're a lucky man. You're brother still draws breath and you can look forward to many years together. On the day you made this thread, I lost a brother to suicide. I don't understand it. I just don't. You two will be just fine. Give him a little time. God bless both of you.

Ruffian
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Hey Quisp

Thanks for your reply.

I'm truly sorry about your bro. While I felt tempting to say it felt like he had"....... I won't even type or say it. I am too acutely aware of the difference to even complete the thought.

I understand all this on intellectual levels. However, my heart overrules my brain too often.

Was just horrible but I had to keep plodding around. I work too hard physically to waste energy punching stuff.

Shamefully, I'll admit I have a bad habit of knee jerk reactions. I reckon it must be cuz I'm older than him but not by that much.

I'm really tired alot so too often it's just easier to do whatni need done myself. Than try to delegate and have to explain or debate why it needs done and why I want it a certain way.

This was the most trying time. I cried, couldn't swallow, couldn't sleep. Safe to say I was damn near hysterical. But I did some serious self examination. Oh gee wheez, wanna talk about painful. I actually considered going to a hospital. Finally a sorta peace came to me.

He really is wise beyond his years and he's damn smart. A lot smarter than me. But I'm much more ambitious and not encumbered but the same things he is. In my case it's probably ignorance is bliss. Perhaps, I needed a swift kick in my arse? I don't have all the answers. Maybe I'm jealous, Im really not that type of person. I think it's more we were friends. We used to just sit talk about anything.

The bottom line is he has to spread his wings and I have to shut up. He likes my biz but he he doesn't love it. While it's good I do, i view it as its the only i could and can do. He has infinite possibilities.

I'm sure there are gonna be some really bad days ahead. Oh well time stops for no one and nothing stays the same. ,

So thx again for your comments and time. Your comments really helped me more than you know and make much sense.

Oh and just fyi Ruffian = female lol

Ruffian
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One oTher thing"...... There

One oTher thing"...... There is nothing to forgive. He's just doing want we are made to do.

I text him and apologized and called him and he didn't reply yesterday.

But he stopped in today and I asked why he didnt. He said it was cuz I had been so mean. It didn't seem the right time yet to discuss it. I did tell him I lied and that I'd never delete him.

I can only hope the tree roots are deep and the trunk is strong. So he can branch out but not forget this is always him home.

It was just so painful to realize, I'm not anyones daughter anymore and I'm not his protector, proxy mother anymore either.
I won't even have to make time for grocery shopping. It should feel liberating, maybe it will, but not just yet.

Only thing I know for sure is I'm never having kids. Everyone says you change your mind, not me. it might be worth it but I'm not taking any chances. I just have to accept that I'm a very selfish person. He hurt me and I wanted to hurt him back just as much. And I did with big fat mouth. Instead of wishing him good luck.

Oh yea, that made me laugh when you said don't ride horses fast. Thats a big part of what I do. It's the best part, I wish everyone could experience that feeling. When the wind stings my face and our movement are in harmony. It tells me it's time to hit the track.....or move on to bigger and better things. Just occurred to me, he must have felt the sting of the wind.

Tx again... I'm a slow learner but I'm learning I hope.

Thx again

benny_bomb_boom
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progress

is another word open to interpretation. ruff, you sound like a smart lady. my only advice would be to never say never.

my sister was killed when she was 21 and after that, as her older brother, i too swore to never have children. then i met my future wife. not having children would have been a deal breaker for her. the dream of her life was to be a mother. so, she being the love of my life, i changed my position. you may find someone who shares your passion for not having children, i actually hope you do. but there is a new happiness now that my son arrived that i cannot hope to express appropriately here.

last thing on young men with life by the balls as your brother does just out of college. they need time to figure it out. some take longer than others, and some never do get a grip, but time along with space is the only way that has a chance IMHO.

peace and keep up the good work.

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no better time than now

Ruffian
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Error

.

Ruffian
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Benny

Thx for the reply and a hearty congrats on your new family.

I really don't want kids. In fact, I don't even want a committed relationship. The only legitimate reason for the latter is the former. Unless that is what one wants. I just don't see it as a necessity. Unfortunate circumstances create single parents all the time. But I gotta say, with some exceptions. Those who voluntarily chose it are more selfish than me.

We intentionally pair up mares with foals so they survive. A mare not pared with another has a very diminished chance of having a foal survive without serious injury or worse. They both watch and protect each others offsprings. So it puzzles me why humans adopt behaviors that even animals shun.

I have 7 babies this years and 8 pre teens that are my children. Not to mention the full grown ones as well.

Yet, I am honestly happy for folks who chose traditional lifestyles. They are import and necessary for a stable society.
Never can be a very long time. However, there are just somethings I know and it would be unfair to anyone involved with me to think I could change my views. I've done torturous self examination and am very aware I have a hell of lot of character
flaws.

I wish you continued happiness and prosperity.

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Update

Oh geez. Does life get more difficult? Hell yes, even I know that.

Brother did stop by for a few moments. He told me plain outright he couldn't wait to get away from this filthy house. And that he is very busy working.

Oh well, he's right my house is dirty. I bought furniture ages ago and it's still in plastic. I can't quite recall what it looks like. I've got dust everywhere. My desk is a nightmare. I've organized it before but then I couldnt find anything.

So I enlisted some help and started making it look like a home. It didn't last, I got behind on my work and was so distracted I took a huge fall and dislocated a shoulder and chipped two of my front teeth.

So as I sat rubbing my tongue non stop against my chipped my teeth non stop, even after it was raw. I went from being hurt to angry. In fact I'm so angry I'm not talking to anyone. I reckon it's why I'm blabbing oh here.I started thinking ok your right the house is a mess. So why didn't you get your arse and do something. Or tell me how much it bothered you and we coulda done it together. The obvious answer is that is his excuse to rationalize his behavior.

Haha on me he told me the street he lives on....it's only about 5 miles long. It's rather apparent he needs to disappear from life and I have to live with it.

So I guess I go forward one step at a time. Business is good for me right now. A big chunk of that printed money is being parked in my game. Sales records one after another are being shattered. This means I must be very careful because I know it can end overnight. I'm scared to death of obamas brave new world. He really is trying to kill people like me.

Even Carl Icahn couldn't hack this business. He decided he loved money more than sport. The simple truth is that massive amounts of cash run through your fingers but it's not profit. The only real payday comes is when you disperse your holdings. This would be the perfect time to fold. I mean why am I killing myself. My xrays showed I have the knees of a fifty year old
already. The simple truth is that there isn't a effn other thing I can do. Plus what about the people who stayed loyal to me. It took a lot for them to stay not knowing if I could make this work. They have played a significant part in my success.

How do I keep up this charade of looking like I know what to do? When I have no effn clue what I'm doing. Ok I'm buying physical metals but I still cant pay bills with it. Although I did trade some for livestock. Thing is, I have no idea if I got a fair deal. I cant even tell anyone I have it. If I cant trust banks with cash, then how can I trust someone with storage?

I cant even deal with my brother. Btw some folks have told me if he shows up on holidays. That I should take what is given and be grateful. Well to the contrary, I say if I can live 360 days year without ya, then I can for 365. Hateful ain't I? Yep, but that's how I feel. And he can shove cards up his arse. Better to donate to charity unless he makes it himself.

I really need to join the vault. Zero hedge seems to be a shadow of it's former self. So I must remember to get an account with only a small balance so I can do Internet transactions without being worried about it being compromised.

Oh and I got my teeth fixed. I'm feeling a lot of anxiety so I reckon I'll go dust in case someone who is not coming shows up.

Completely pathetic, I feel like that woman from those old Beatles song.

Best to you all,
Ruffian

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I'm gonna try to make this my

I'm gonna try to make this my last post on this thread that I should have never started on this site in the first place. I kinda never joined any other site but I think I'll just get a generic blog somewhere else to vent.

I'm pissed right now, nearly boiling at my bro. I feel betrayed. If he walked in right now. I don't think i could even look at him. This might be partially why he won't but I doubt it.

When you find yourself in danger of becoming a completely bitter and hateful human being. It's probably best to give rather take. So I'm going to join a program that was suggested to me to help vets with PTSD. Similar to how they take dogs to elderly and sick children. There has been more success with vets who are introduced to working with horses. Why, I dunno. Maybe it has something to do with taking an animal who has an inherent distrust of humans and learning/teaching trust, cooperation, patience and relaxation.

Initially i was thinking just what i need. To be around people more efffd up than me. Then I remembered reading a long time ago what a gentleman named Rick Lamb wrote: that no one gets involved with horses to become a better human being, find greater meaning in life or make the world a better place. But, ,sometimes that's exactly what happens. Or something close to that.

More importantly, I'd never be where I am were it not for people who were at the top of this game and shared their time and knowledge with me.

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