Untitled humor

Here are another set of characters who have a strong aversion to dealing with the consequences of truth. Or rather, whose general methods of dealing with the truth being exposed, are in this case ineffective as the number of targets who possess the information is simply too large. I am, of course, talking about 'Crazy' Eddie Snowden's former employer (or technically, the agency client of his former employer).

I would think twice about recommending a 60 Minutes segment these days, but this one is worth it for the comedy factor alone. This is simply gold, Jerry, GOLD. Pure, elemental comedy gold.

GenK Alexander the Great defends the track record and collection methods of No Such Agency, while one of his underlings plays 'sort-of good cop' by suggesting that amnesty for Ed Snowden in return for bringing back the goods should be considered. (Really? He thinks any thinking person, let alone a former member of the intel community, would believe that they intend to let Ed live out his remaining years in peace, on a farm somewhere in the US?)

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/nsa-speaks-out-on-snowden-spying/

The stage is set by the former Director of NatIntel staffer who happens to be the 60mins_Reporter on the case:

"A 20-something-year-old high school dropout contractor managed to walk out with in essence the crown jewels." -- [This is meant to be a 'hardball question'. Check out the response, which of course goes unchallenged.]

But there's more: GenKeith warns us to 'be afraid, be VERY afraid':

"GKA: I believe that a foreign nation could impact and destroy major portions of our financial system, yes.

60minsReporter: How much of it could we stop?

GKA: Well, right now it would be difficult to stop it because our ability to see it is limited."

-- Translation: we need more funding and more powers.

Not only that, but good old Ed apparently is sitting on a GOLDMINE -- and can single-handedly deal a devastating blow to 'intelligence' efforts of Uncle Sam:

"60minsReporter: If those documents fell into their hands? What good would it do them?
 

GoodCop_Spook: It would give them a roadmap of what we know, what we don't know, and give them-- implicitly, a way to-- protect their information from the U.S. intelligence community's view.

60minsReporter: For an adversary in the intelligence game, that's a gold mine?

GoodCop_Spook: It is the keys to the kingdom."

-- Translation: We are DEFINITELY going to need more funding and powers to counter this potentially catastrophic threat.

Also, we are NOT to trust Ed's character because... (drumroll) ... he ACCESSED an NSA employee's account to pass a test to become an NSA employee:

"He was taking a technical examination for potential employment at NSA; he used his system administrator privileges to go into the account of the NSA employee who was administering that test, and he took both questions and the answers, and used them to pass the test."

I'm now confused... I thought that's EXACTLY the kind of person the Agency is trying to attract.

But there's STILL more: DebPlunkett shares the tale of how the evil Chinamen nearly turned every PC into a useless hunk of low-yield gold and silver scrap by infecting their BIOS with a 'deadly' virus.

"Debbie: That's right. Think about the impact of that across the entire globe. It could literally take down the U.S. economy.

60minsReporter: I don't mean to be flip about this. But it has a kind of a little Dr. Evil quality-- to it that, "I'm going to develop a program that can destroy every computer in the world." It sounds almost unbelievable.

Debbie: Don't be fooled. There are absolutely nation states who have the capability and the intentions to do just that."

Of course, it was only the vigilance of our true and trusted protectors that saved us from a fate worse than death: NO PCs ANYWHERE!!!

But WAIT -- we are still not finished. The HR and PR departments turned out a beautiful, touchingly executed collaboration on writing the script for this one. We are treated to a heartwarming recruiting video, showing us how bright high-school kids can gain top-secret clearances, solve Rubik's cube in under two minutes, and break the Enigma code every friggin' summer:

"[Former DeputyHeadSpook] says each summer 10,000 high school students apply for a few openings.

60minsReporter: So you’ve had occasions where you’ve given a difficult problem to a high school kid with a top-secret clearance whose come back and said “hey, I think I got this one?”

Former DeputyHeadSpook: For any given summer that’s more often the rule than the exception. We’re always pleasantly surprised."

So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. I really wish I could put the quote below in double-size font and flashing in neon green. The good folks at NoSuchAgency are doing ONLY these two things:

"And to put it simply, we're doing two things: We're defending this country from future terrorist attacks and we're defending our civil liberties and privacy."

At this point, I gave up. There is no way to exist in this version of reality without adopting the full and true way of thinking that is Doublespeak.

Some initial press reactions:

Glenn Greenwald @ggreenwald -- 60 Minutes forgot to ask about how James Clapper & Keith Alexander routinely lied to Congress & FISA courts - just ran out of time. 4:40 PM - 15 Dec 2013

Ryan Lizza @RyanLizza -- Wow, the 60 Minutes piece about the NSA was just embarrassing. Kudos to the NSA communications staff. You guys should get a raise. 5:52 PM - 15 Dec 2013

Dave Itzkoff @ditzkoff -- That time a 60 Minutes correspondent asked an NSA analyst to solve a Rubik's cube. #journalism  4:37 PM - 15 Dec 2013

The Sad Decline of ‘60 Minutes’ Continues With This Week’s NSA Whitewash

Don't be fooled by the 60 Minutes report on the NSA

You may also want to take a minute to at least skim the comments after the piece on the CBS website as well.

I actually tried to look for an image of GKA laughing, but apparently all of those pics have been surgically scrubbed from the internet. Instead, I thought I'd share this, from the BusinessInsider expose on the TRUE Man of the Year (and possibly decade):

No, of course this is in no way related to the beginning of this post. Not at all. What on Earth would make you think that it even might be? It's not like a global military/intelligence complex requires unlimited funding, or anything.

In other news, the NY Post comes out with a story about how the Saudi .gov and ruling family was deeply involved with the allegedly 19 alleged Saudis who have been publicly identified as the alleged triggermen on the WTC/Pentagram job back in 2001. Of course, this ALSO has no bearing or relevance toward the 60mins piece above. It's not like the NoSuchAgency is demanding protection money, immunity from prosecution and unfettered global powers to continue keeping its watchful eyes on the 'lone wolf' individuals and groups to prevent 'The Next One'.

Is it just me, or is employing the once-venerable institution of CBS News and '60 Minutes' as a fluffer for The Grey Men in Grey Suits a move that reeks of desperation? More importantly, will enough of the populace smell the rat?

"And how we burned in the camps later, thinking: What would things have been like if every Security operative, when he went out at night to make an arrest, had been uncertain whether he would return alive and had to say good-bye to his family? Or if, during periods of mass arrests, as for example in Leningrad, when they arrested a quarter of the entire city, people had not simply sat there in their lairs, paling with terror at every bang of the downstairs door and at every step on the staircase, but had understood they had nothing left to lose and had boldly set up in the downstairs hall an ambush of half a dozen people with axes, hammers, pokers, or whatever else was at hand?... The Organs would very quickly have suffered a shortage of officers and transport and, notwithstanding all of Stalin's thirst, the cursed machine would have ground to a halt! If...if...We didn't love freedom enough. And even more – we had no awareness of the real situation.... We purely and simply deserved everything that happened afterward.” --  Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn: One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich

Now, as a triple-reverse-double-secret-twist, the Agency could just be using this opportunity to falsely inflate the appearance of importance that Ed and his cache of materials represents. Or this is a warning shot to intimidate all those who hold copies of Ed's materials? A ruse to coax him out of hiding so he may be targeted? Proof that he is really a Trojan who is being inserted into the Sino-Soviet intelligence systems, and the 'collateral fallout' just serves to make him believable and thus effective?

I lean towards the desperation angle, myself...

(The link below should work, though the video 'icon' is missing.)

68 Comments

TomMack's picture

JY

thanks nice piece.  I always appreciate work by serious commentators.  i did happen the watch the 60 minute piece ( have not watched 60 min 10+years) and thought 'wow CBS this privacy issue is really getting traction' but as i watched i quickly realized it was just a fluff piece designed to ease everybody back to reality tv or sleep.  No this is just a misunderstood agency.  no doubt there are plenty of honest individual within who are committed to legitimate work, BUT human nature tells us that without oversight by a legitimate court that has to answer to congress this agency will degenerate and morph into a heavy boot on the throat of every American.  No mention of misleading testimony to congress either.  Also no accountability, keeping your job when someone can steal millions of documents is amazing spy or no spy.  Can other more sinister individuals be involved or still are involved in counter intelligence?  that may be something to consider also.   

PS  1st

pss   i can appreciate everyone who has 'lost' all there comment by an amazing "delete function" while typing!!

sengfarmer's picture

Early to bed early to rise :)

Back to reading.

sierra skier's picture

Thurd

That was fun, I always wanted to be thurd.

ag1969's picture

The whole "TPTB" thing...

...is just laughable now. The fact that anyone believes shite like this speaks volumes about how successful the propaganda has been at making people as dumb as a box of rocks. Think of the lies these people have been caught in, huge lies! 9/11, market manipulation, MF global, LIBOR, Forex, Syria, Benghazi, Sandy Hook, Boston Bombing, NDAA, no birth certificate for Zero, Drug running and money laundering, Spying on the whole planet, drone strikes on weddings, treason..... and the beat goes on!

So you are leaning toward the desperation side....ya think?? They can't even remotely hide their crimes anymore, so they just do them in broad daylight for all to see. They are either entirely desperate or they just don't give a shit that they are History's biggest and most vile criminals who feel your opinion does not matter because you will be dead soon anyway.

Here is a quote I found in a comments section somewhere that I posted a while back in the DOTS Forum:

"to not believe in conspiracies is ludicrously irrational- requiring the dismissal of all observation regarding verified history-"

Edit:  And I can only imagine what the NSA has in store for this:

http://www.smartplanet.com/blog/bulletin/the-largest-free-wi-fi-zone-in-the-us-will-cover-95-city-blocks/

Mudsharkbytes's picture

I plead the

Fifth.

Excellent article.  No offense intended, but the best one I've read since being locked outside the pay wall. 

Mudsharkbytes's picture

Can you believe this?

I wanted a good laugh so followed the link to the 60 minutes piece so I could peruse the comments. 

I'm using an iPad. CBS blocked me from viewing the content with a huge, un-dismissable banner forcing me to purchase their "60 Minutes app" which they wanted $4.99 for. I'm too strapped to pay $10 a month for content here, so ya think I'm going to cough up any money for their crappy app which should have been free anyway?  FWIW, I wouldn't have bought it if I had dough to burn, nor would I have downloaded it if it was free. Locking your content behind an app when you have a perfectly good browser is asshattedness. 

I also can't believe I've been here this long and nobody else has posted, so I'll grab

sixth

too.

Hammer's picture

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/wor

ag1969's picture

Hammer

From your article:

"This is analogous to a hostage taker taking 50 people hostage, shooting 10, and then say, 'if you give me full amnesty, I'll let the other 40 go'. What do you do?"

Uh, no it isn't. It is analogous a hostage taker being apprehended by a passerby, freeing the 40 hostages that are left, waiting for the cops to arrive, then the cops saying the passerby was a national security threat and arresting him while the hostagetaker goes free. Thank you though General Alexander, nice projection of the fact that you are one of history's largest criminals!

realitybiter's picture

beady eyed weasel

can't hide behind the "long hair" mask.

If I were Snowden, I'd say,

"I should trust you? I should trust the man who lied to Congress. Lied to the Nation. Lies to himself every m-f-ing day when he looks in the mirror? I should trust you?" "You are dumber than I imagined."

"Don't you think the same type of scumbag characters were around 230 years ago when the framers of the constitution were kicking around its ideas? Technology may have been different, but human intent was the same. They knew that if government were allowed to dig into everyone's affairs it was only a matter of very little time before it became corrupt and some beady eyed weasel used that information for nefarious, political control....against individuals....you know, like using the IRS as your pitbull...or destroying Generals you don't care for....or removing political competition....or silencing the masses, as they cower in fear of sicking the pitbull on them..."

So let me counter. My immunity has three conditions:
1) You admit to your mistakes, you admit your perjury, you admit your treason. You demand that the NSA be restructured..(you can start by turning that data warehouse in Utah into the center for the world's largest free library, where any kid can access any lecture, paper, book, that has ever been created - for free)....in short, you concede defeat.
2) Demand that you serve a twenty year prison sentence....every day you will have to write "I will obey the constitution of the United States of America" a hundred times before each meal.
3) I want every dime of debt you idiots have saddled on innocent taxpayers removed. I figure it is about $12B legitimately, so why not just wipe it all out.

Anything less and you can surveil the back of my sweaty sack. You make me sick. You want ME to concede....when in fact, YOU should be revering me, drawing plans for the freaking statue I deserve!! I am Paul Revere incarnate, "The weasels are coming, the weasels are coming!"
foreign and DOMESTIC..general? You have no right for that title. Oh, I know you will be fuming. You can't even spell constitution. So go ahead, kill me! Turn me into a martyr....then buckle up for the real revolution....check freaking mate.

proton777's picture

Didn't see 60 minutes

I didn't see the 60 Minutes piece last night but heard a bit about it this morning. After reading your post, JY, there is no need to see it.

I did, however, go to the CBS website, then on to the 60 Minutes page where the segment was re-reported by CBS. I went strictly to see what the viewers'/readers' comments were. I read only the first page. There were maybe 2 dozen comments and, surprisingly (at least to me), there was not a single positive comment. Every comment called that report a lie, propaganda, BS, puff piece, boot-licking, or something to that effect Not a single positive comment. Not one.

That gives me faith in the American people. I would expect the viewers of 60 Minutes and readers of their website would surely be sympathetic to that report. Nope. At least one? No.

I would expect to see that much cynicism on web sites like this. But on cbsnews.com, too?

There were more comments which I didn't read but I'm sure the trend was the same.

Reading those comments really made my day.

GuerrillaCapitalist's picture

The Fuckers are Desperate

I've thought for a few years that the scoundrels are losing the battle for total information control. This article is proof. They act like a little dog that shits in the living room, turns her back and thinks you won't notice because she can't see her mess. 

realitybiter's picture

Good Will

Pretty amazing how Afleck and Damon nailed it....they wrote that piece about "national guard and President four years before W.....
If you want to appreciate that speech a little more go spend a morning at the VA hospital....and then realize that there were no WMD's, Iraq lost a million civilians and is in more chaos now, than ever before, and the the US is moving towards energy independence......now why did that vet lose both his limbs? got the PTSD? and Rummy said it would only cost $70B, take maybe 40k troops, and be over in months.
Someone should send him a bill.

http://abcnews.go.com/International/wireStory/home-invasion-killings-bombings-kill-iraq-21223978

"heckuvajob, Rummy"

proton777's picture

@GuerillaCapitalist

[This comment was deleted by the NSA]

Hopefully I am right!

GuerrillaCapitalist's picture

@proton777

You hope you're right about what?

Scooter's picture

Excellent post

A most excellent post.

Common sense and politics? Only in a virtual world. Damn shame if you ask me.

WWW.Youtube.com/embed/_T-F_zfoDqI?rel=O

sorry if this has already been posted.

AlienEyes's picture

ROF-LMAO !

I was laughing my arse off and then I realized, this sh!t is for real.  sad

Just this once, I'll use my alien eyes to see into the not so distant future and give you fellow Turds a peek.

It's 2017 and gold is at $25,000 an ounce. Silver's at $988. The headlines in all the newspapers are exactly the same.....

"Wealthy American Traitors Storm US/Mexican Border With Guns, Gold and Silver"

"Mexican Army and Drug Cartel Give Ground as 'American Liberation Army' Heads for Puerto Vallarta"

"Mexican Patrol Boat Fired on and Sunk Near Cancun by Pleasure Craft Fleet From Miami and Tampa Bay"

Mexican President Juan Valdez : "Something must be done to stop this tidal wave of illegal immigrants!"

smiley

proton777's picture

[This comment was deleted by

[This comment was deleted by the NSA]

bullion only's picture

Well gold is up around 10 bucks

Well gold is up around ten bucks at least.
So again we sit at the $1250 number with a FOMC meeting coming up.
When will the supression end? That is the billion dollar question.
Far as I know everyone has been wrong and as the dates pass they are simply moved forward.
I can only imagine that the central banks of the west will continue to lease out gold to the central banks of the east.
But for how much longer?
I remember once Jim Rickards said that China would need about 8000 to 10,000 tons of gold to play with the big boys meaning US and Europe.
Perhaps this is the great rebalancing and once achieved we can move forward. Until then we are in the trading range of $1150 to $1300.
Would be nice if the miners would stop production at these below production costs.
RT

Sandiaman's picture

NSA

Never Say Anything is their motto!

Mr. Fix's picture

Great post, I was wondering who else watched that last night

I saw the 60 min. piece, and had decided before it began that it would be pure propaganda, like everything else on the television. I was not disappointed.

As much as they pretend to fear in what Snowden might release, I am skeptical. Just the fact that the mainstream news outlets have given so much time to this story, leads me to believe that the narrative is intentional.

Let's face it, there's too many big stories that get completely ignored to think that Snowden wouldn't be any different. While the NSA is downplaying their abilities, they are probably light-years of head of what we already know, and would prefer that we think of them as a bunch of bumbling idiots, which I think is how they were portrayed last night.

Of course they want more funding, doesn't every alphabet agency?

They may be having a hard time justifying their existence, but they're having an even harder time justifying their legality.

Whether what they do is legal or not, is no longer relevant, the entire government is lawless now. last night's farce may just be a lame attempt to pretend to answer some questions that the “public needs to know”, so they can close the book on any further public disclosure, which would be nothing but lies anyway. I seriously doubt if any public opinion was swayed significantly one way or the other.

Missiondweller's picture

60 Minutes used to be the gold standard of journalism

I'm 43 and have watched it since I was about 6 when my parents watched it. They were then, the most feared journalists in the world. Nothing struck more fear into powerful people than hearing, "I'm with 60 minutes. Do you have a moment to talk"?

Now they have become a joke. The last four years they have refused to expose or report the biggest stories of our day, giving a constant pass to the administration. I have no idea if its just the now universal liberal bias in the media that has now finally spread to 60 Minutes or if its threats from the administration like we saw with the illegal, criminal investigation of a Fox reporter by Eric Holder which was a clear abuse of power.

Orange's picture

NSA

LOL, the ACLU published this video

http://rt.com/usa/aclu-nsa-santa-claus-328/

buzlightening's picture

Too bad most American Citizens won't be laughing.

Turdville gets it with likely 75% who stack physical gold & silver; regardless of paper price.  When you lay down all the criminal bankster; gov goon platoon perpetrators end to end; you get a bury field.  Everyone will be crying we're innoccent as the lid is sealed on the bottomless pit.  The infernal puke will be screaming how unjust all the way to hell.  Good riddens and bring on the millenium.

Orange's picture

Progress

A federal judge ruled Monday that the National Security Agency program which collects information on nearly all telephone calls made to, from or within the United States is likely to be unconstitutional. As Politico reports, Judge Richard Leon blasted, "I cannot imagine a more ‘indiscriminate’ and ‘arbitrary invasion’ than this systematic and high-tech collection and retention of personal data on virtually every single citizen for purposes of querying it and analyzing it without judicial approval." This is the first significant legal setback for the NSA’s surveillance program since Edward Snowden exposed it.

http://www.zerohedge.com/news/2013-12-16/judge-rules-nsas-indiscriminate-arbitrary-invasion-privacy-likely-unconstitutional

 
tyberious's picture

@Missiondweller

Turd hit on this last night "universal liberal bias". It''s not liberal vs conservative, it TPTB vs everyone else.  Obama's cabinet though comprised on mostly Dems, who are mostly corporatist, does contain some Repubs, so ideology means very little.I for one do not think the media cares which line they tow as long is they get paid and are unharassed.

bullion only's picture

we will miss the late Judge Leon

Those roads can be slipery this time of year.

tyberious's picture

Judge Leon

Most likely he will be found soliciting child prostitutes. They will torture his life as an example.

Bugzy's picture

NSA Not about gathering info

No, the real reason is to instill fear into everyone on this planet. That big brother is watching YOU! Yes important you with your blogging, you better watch out you know because they will get you and they have the proof and and.....That is what they want you to think.... every second of everyday. No, they cannot possibly get external forces to keep you all in check, oh no, way to hard. Far better to erect a prison in your mind, one that you walk around with 24/7 because they know that your mind is watching YOU even when you are alone or asleep. The new gatekeepers of total control.

An act of TERRORISM to control the masses; nothing more nothing less. Yet they have billions and billions of communications every day with a few thousand employees! Now let me do some math - each employee has to read 30 million or so emails a day. Listen to 25,000 telephone calls in hundreds of languages with millions of different dialects - whyeyemanyacannerwackitlike. (yes folk from Newcastle England talk in this impenetrable code - the are called Geordies - now Glasgow.... holy smokes) Not to mention local slang, apples and pairs - (stairs), now text messages; when I am in public, that is ALL I see folk doing, CONSTANTLY, on the bus, crossing the street - seems like most of the world sends 100 texts per day! Now web traffic and sites visited and bloggs posted to, tweets and facebook and turd and......

So yes.... they have the ability to single out say one dude each per day for special attention. In a sea of 7 billion people? Useless as a chocolate fireguard. Maybe they are looking for aliens too?

No, their effectiveness is ALL about fucking with your mind. We have nothing at all to worry about. Oooops hang on a bit... some guys at my door with ski masks on and carrying a laptop.

But seriously, it really is about mind control. IMO

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